How to Think Like a Married Couple

On being married — “A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”— Dave Meurer

Disney has created this fantasy that being married will be equal to a Cinderella and Snow White love story where the married couple lives happily ever after. The fictional parts of life only happen in our imagination and maybe at the beginning of a relationship. It’s possible to have a Cinderella and Snow White romance in the beginning of a relationship. It does feel that way sometimes. When two people meet, the beginning is always the best part….you know…

…Girl meets boy. Boy meets girl. They date. In the beginning it’s all roses, rainbows, and sunshines. Each one is thinking about the other. Throughout the relationship, boy and girl have made decisions together, in a sense. They have selfishly thought more about the other person’s feeling, wants, and needs.

One day, Boy decided he wants to keep making decisions with Girl asks her to be his wife. Girl says yes! Girl starts planning her fairy tale wedding. Boy says, “Whatever you want.” Girl is thinking about all the details, for the both of them. From her dress to walking down the aisle, every thought is carefully considered.

After the “I do’s” Boy and Girl began to realize that the level of thinking has changed from that of boyfriend-girlfriend, fiancé – fiancée, to husband and wife. Now the TWO must genuinely think about the TWO. They have to begin to think like a married couple.

perfectly married

Perfect marriages do not exist. The marriages you see on television are scripted. Social media marriages are photoshopped moments of happiness. Your friend’s, your coworker’s, and your family member’s marriage may look great – on the outside – but you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. Unless you are married and have been for some time, knowing what it’s like to be married only happens through experience.

your parents marriage

Their route is NOT your marriage destination. You and your spouse are different individuals married in a different time. Your parents may have divorced. Either parent may have cheated on the other. That doesn’t mean that your marriage will end the same or that you or your spouse will cheat. If your focus and emphasis is on what happened to your parents, then you are missing your own marriage happiness.

Stop gauging other people’s marriage thermometer to determine your marriage!

tips to consider when self-checking your marriage

1. marriage is a partnership

Neither spouse is in control. Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not 50/50 but 100/100. We all have our ‘marital duties’ but even the individual responsibilities of a marriage are jointly done. For example, my husband and I both work and contribute to our bank accounts. I pay the bills and manage our finances. But, my husband and I have strategic budgeting conversations. Marriage is about we…about us….not I or me.

2. check your insecurity

As a couple united as one, you are still individuals. You and your spouse must always know that you are responsible for in knowing how to think like a married couple.

• If your spouse doesn’t include you in every conversation or instead gives you the chapter version instead of the novel, it’s ok.
• Sharing friends is great but your friends don’t have to be your spouse’s friends. Your spouse’s friends don’t have to be your friends. It is important that no matter the friendships, all friends respect your marriage and are respectful to your spouse. Especially your single friends.
• Stop trying to live your life like the “Joneses”! Yes, “Jim & Kelly” constantly show PDA, profess their undying love on social media, are constantly sharing how each other did this and that for one another, and sharing personal and intimate marriage details (personally I see this as marriage insecurity but that’s a whole different post).

My husband and I are touchy feely with each other – in our home. We hold hands and hug in public but not for the attention of or for others to see our love. I don’t need to tell him how much I love him on social media when I can just tell him at home, on the phone, or through a text message.

3. be a thermostat

3Adjust the temperature inside your marriage. Don’t be petty towards one another – that will surely kill a marriage. The thermostat means your communication is next level – for YOU and YOUR spouse – not because “The Joneses” sound like the mom and daughter duo from Gilmore Girls. Being the thermostat also means being responsible for how you communicate. As my husband always says, “It’s all in the presentation and delivery.”

How you adjust your marital thermostat determines if the temperature is too cold, too hot, or just right.

your marriage

Your marriage is not a competition with anyone else’s marriage. Stop trying so hard to make sure your marriage looks good on the exterior and instead focus on making sure it’s all good on the interior. My husband and I have been married for over a decade. We know what it’s like to be married and the importance of being a helpmate for one another.

Marriage is more than the expensive price tag and saying “I Do” at the alter. It is an art form constantly drawn by two people who are forever creating a masterpiece.

Marriages go through seasons. The temperature of each depends on a constant marriage self-check and couple check.

When was the last time you checked your marriage temperature?

xoxo, Natashia